|Posted on August 25, 2014 at 12:45 AM|
I am a Psychic. I talk to the other side. I have “known” my whole life that death does not mean complet death. I have always known that energies exist beyond the physical world.
For this reason alone, I have always feared death to a degree, but was always comforted in knowing that I would still exist. The degree of fear that I had, was never enough for me to honor myself or my body, to extend my vessel in as good of shape as I could. Because of this, I have allowed myself to become over weight, addicted to nicotine, medicated for Depression, Anxiety, and OCD. Over the past few years I have allowed myself to fall into a rut. A rut I never even realized I was in, until today. The past few weeks have been a little stressful for me. I was scheduled to have my first mamogram since I just turned 40. Of course the week leading up to the appointment, I am fearing the worst, having readings done, etc. The funny part of the readings, my friend and my daughter both did one that showed there may be some complications but all would be well in the end. Being a reader myself, I interpreted the spread my daughter did in my own way, and it was clear to me that I woiuld have problems with my right breast and may even lose it. Of course everyone that knows me, knows I sometimes fear the worst, when I know I should do the opposite. Well, the call comes in with the results. The left side looks normal. The right side has two spots that they want a closer look at so I am to go back in a week or so for another go round. Now, of course, I am holding on to the hope that my friend and daughter are right, and this will be nothing, and life will go on as usual.
The other stressful situation, I am due to go back to school this semester, my fifth semester, if you count my summer class. Every semester, my pell grants and all that flow freely without problem. I noticed today, that they are saying I have not funds awarded this semester. I have to call Monday to see what is up with that. Now, this could be nothing, that gets fixed simply and in time for school to start next Wednesday. Or it can be something that throws me out for this semester. Which, if it turns out to be that, I feel it may be because I am fixing to have to fight breast cancer, and school would most likely get in the way of that. So the next week or two are going to be scary, but interesting to see where it all lays out.
Earlier today my youngest daughter told me she had a dream last night that I died. Another “sign?” Shortly after that, she layed beside me in my bed and cuddeled with me while watching t.v. I remember paying attention to how soft the skin of her hands are. How delicate her fingers are. How her cheek felt when I gave her a kiss. It was at that moment that I remembered just who would be the most hurt if I were to not be here physically any more. It would be my children. I do not know if they have enough belief in life after death to know for sure that I would stil be with them every single day. Which made me think about that. Certainly I would be here with them in spirit form. But I would much rather be here with them in physical form for as long as I can. And it only makes sense that I should want to live as healthy as I can so I can atleast enjoy what time I have left. However much time that happens to be.
Tonight in my shower, I was pondering my life. I discovered I am not really living life at all! I get thru the day, going thru the motions, to the point that I seem to be replaying days of my lives over and over again. That is not living. That is existing. I want more. I choose more. I was reminded of how much each day we wake up, is a gift. One more day to live life with those I love. To experience life with them, to make memories. And in this moment, tears flooded down, and I thanked God for loving me, for not giving up on me. For still being here for me when I “woke” up.
I have spent a lot of my life defending things I have done, habits I have, self medicating methods I use, parenting decisions I make. I have realized, none of this matters. I know who I am. The good, the bad and the ugly. I know best every one of my flaws, and right now, I choose to accept them. I also choose to change some, most likely keep some, and maybe even find some more.
Tonight, I feel ALIVE, for the first time in a long time. Awakened to what is really important. Yes, I want to get healthy. Yes I love my kids and my husband and my friends, and my time should be spent more on focusing on these things, rather then the daily routine of chores, responcibilities etc.
So tonight, I am going to a dear friends house, to smoke my last cigarettes, to drink a few drinks to remember that its OK to cut loose once in a while. Tomorrow, starts the beginning of what will be.
Maybe my results will be fine, maybe I have a challenge ahead. Maybe I will get into class ok this semester, or maybe I need a break to work on the things that really make me happy. Whatever way this plays out, I know that I am truly grateful for my family and my life. And from this moment, I choose to become healthier. I choose to take control of my own destiny. I choose to survive and live and be happy!
To those friends I did not get to see before falling and getting back on the nicotine wagon, I am sorry, I love you, and I will be around as soon as I trust myself without a cigarette again. Thank you all for caring about me, for being in my life. And thank you God for every blessing in my life.